Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future. “NOW WHAT?”
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If we don’t forgive then we won’t grow. I try my best to forgive. It is ironic that this is the topic for today, just yesterday I reached out to a friend that was very close to me- who also hurt my feelings. We had not had any communication for 5 months. But yesterday evening, I thought to myself, life is too short. I know that she and I will never have the friendship that we once had but also was making myself sick over the fact that everyone deserves another chance. Life is about learning. God only knows how many times I have screwed up and people have forgiven me. My difficulty is the forgetting- I never forget,therefore it is really difficult to truly forgive- a any suggestions?
Maybe remembering is like a wound…at first it hurts all the time… and then the wound heals little by little and finally it becomes a scar and the scar is rarely thought about.I use to believe that if I forgave someone then I would never ever feel the deep wound of hurt yet life has taught me differently. I have forgiven but some wounds take longer than others to heal. I understand being close to friend for period of time and then something changes and the friendship feels different. Have you expressed to your friend your hurt?
I think we forgive because, because being angry takes just so much energy. The past can’t be changed, what is done is done, and to live with anger is frankly exhausting. I don’t think we ever forget. The memory is always there, especially when it was a very large hurt. But you can choose to acknowledge that the person who hurt you is just small and mean and not worth your time, then you won’t waste your precious energies caring about them. It’s hard to do, but I think it can be done. I’m working on doing just that with a neighbor. Everybody thinks she’s wonderful because she’s always at the head of the line when the occasion calls for a grand gesture. But when the small nice gesture might go unrecognized, she’s nowhere to be found. In all the years we have lived beside one another, and she knew I was going through some profound struggles, she never once asked if there was anything she could do. While I, on the other hand, have done the neighborly thing on more than one occasion and she never even said thank you. We had a mini dust-up a few years ago that caused me real pain — And she has hurt me in numerous other ways, Over the years, the stuff adds up, So, you see, I haven’t forgotten. But I have also come to see that she is is just a small, self-important, self-involved nobody who contributes nothing of value to this world. Just not worth my energy. I don’t really forgive her and I won’t forget, but I just don’t give it anymore thought (except of course for today.) because she’s not worth my time, my energy or even my compassion. I save that for others. ( )
IS NOT FORGIVENESS TO HEAL BOTH PARTIES? I FEEL MY DAD AND I WERE HEALED VIA FORGIVENESS.
I suppose the forgiveness factor depends on who it is you have to forgive and how important they are in your life.
Forgiving a good friend or neighbor is different than having to forgive a husband for cheating or a father for abuse. It makes sense to put the neighbor into that “compartment” where you understand they are not worth getting worked up over, and even that takes time!
Imagine what some of these people are capable of doing – forgiving the drunk driver who killed their child…the list goes on and I do wonder how people are able to dig that deep and find the strength to not just say the words, but to mean them.
Seems that those rare sacred souls do move on to a peaceful loving existance. Maybe there is no where else to go when something that tragic strikes you down?
I was able to forgive the cheating husband, and accept my responsibility in why he felt the need to lie, but I hope I am never put to the real test and have to forgive any bigger than that.
I want to clarify something …
In NO WAY am I saying that the above comments were not important or was I putting these ladies down…quite the contrary.
I think forgiveness is hard at any level because it means we were hurt in some way and I would never pretend to know or understand some one else’s pain.
That said, the neighbor and the friend who have hurt you ladies could in fact take you down to their level, so be proud that you were able to take the high road!
Hope that makes sense…
You are so right Elliemae. Isn’t that something that I have no other frame of reference for forgiveness than something so minor. I can’t imagine what it would be like to have to forgive someone for something really major. I hope I never find out. Another item for my gratitude journal. Thank you for opening my eyes. I’m the one who’s usually complaining about people who think they have problems when they wouldn’t know a real problem if it jumped up and bit them in the -ss. Now I understand too, that until you have experienced real issues, your just plain clueless and who could blame you. I will stop being so judgmental. Thank you for that bit of new self-awareness. Wishing you all the best.